A very special Birthday wish.

As many of you have noticed the characters on my blog have silly names. Names like "Mex", "Blonde" and "Midnight". These characters are all real live people, but in the interest of anonymity, have been given said silly names. One of them is having a very special day so I wanted to take a second to announce it.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BLONDE!!

May all your wishes come true. Tomorrow I will return to our regularly scheduled (or random) posting.

Eastern Girl

safety is a top priority.

Eastern Michigan is nestled deep in the bosom of Ypsilanti Michigan. As most of you know, but some of you don't, there are certain areas of Ypsi that aren't as safe as, oh lets say, any other city but detroit or flint. Basically if the state of Michigan was a man dying of a gunshot wound Eastern would be the festering bullet hole.

Since Easter is so scary and dangerous, safety is a top priority. Students that attend here are very aware that we can have text message safety updates sent right to our phone! I was sent a message once, as I am set up to receive them. The message warned that a black male punched a student who was texting, and then stole their phone. The message urged us not to be distracted by things like our phone when we are walking around campus, lest we be reading a message (lets say a safety update?) and get punched in the face.

I'm going to put forward a scenario. Keep in mind dear readers this didn't actually happen to me, but as a member of the Eastern student body it very well could... I take you to 8:30, I'm just getting out of my evening class....

I am walking to my car which is on the other side of campus. I didn't put in my ear buds because I wanted to stay alert. I even ignored my text messages, assuming it was just Mex, wanting to relate the latest goings on of storm chasers. Suddenly I notice a man coming up behind me! He's coming fast and starts to shout "EH BITCH I'M GOING TO MURDER YOU!!!" I start to run as fast as my little legs can carry me. In the distance I see something that could save me. It's one of the many emergency poles on campus. You know the ones, they have a blue light and you push the button to get the police to you. I sprint for it as fast as I can a sudden calm washing over me as I realize I might be saved from the murderer. When I get to the pole my heart is crushed when I see this in front of me...

Seriously? I knew things were bad here but not that bad, Adrenaline however rushes anew when I notice a little farther down the line is another emergency pole. My attacker is still chasing me "YO BITCH I'M GOING TO STEEL YOUR SHIT AND MURDER YOU!!!" But I know I just have to make it a little further to safety. I'll push the call button and the Eastern Police force will descend on him like so many majestic Eastern Eagles! I arrive at the post...

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?! I think to myself as I almost collapse from a heart attack. I am not a runner and I know my adrenaline will eventually run out. Fortunately for me my attacker stumbled and fell on some uneven side walk. As he gets to his feet he yells "EH BITCH! YOU MADE ME FALL ON MY ASS! I'M GOING TO MURDER THE HELL OUT OF YOU NOW! AND YOUR FAMILY JUST AS SOON AS I CATCH YOU!!! With fresh terror in my heart I see yet another emergency pole in the distance I summon my remaining energy and sprit to it like my very life depends on it (it does!!!) SURLY this one will be in working order, and I will receive the aid I require!!

FUUUUUUCK! REALLY EASTERN?!?!?! I AM ABOUT TO BE MURDERED AND YOU'RE GOING TO PULL THIS SHIT ON ME? Now more then fear I am propelled by anger. Eastern, once again has failed me, by making me jump thru hoops and waste time when I really need to be helped. Kind of like when I need to get my financial aid taken care of, except instead of paying for college I'm going to get murdered. "EH BITCH! YOU'VE RUN FAR AND I'M OUT OF BREATH, YOU'RE GOING TO PAY FOR THIS!!! PAY FOR IT WITH YOUR LIFE!! Now I am more determined then ever to reach safety, just so I can bitch to someone about these poles not working. I see another in the distance. Even Eastern isn't this bad... right?

I don't even know why I'm surprised. Honestly why would it work... FUCKING EASTERN! I sense my attacker has finally reached me, but like the hulk, I am angry. Very angry that ONCE AGAIN Eastern has FAILED. I grabbed the mirror by the truck and beat my attacker senseless, using all the rage I have geared towards the school. As I walk away my cell phone vibrates again. Fuck it, I'm going to be attacked anyway, lets see what it says. "Attention students; a crazy woman is beating people to death with truck mirrors, be on high alert."

So like I said, none that really happened, but it could. It could happen to ANYONE.

In other news a girl in my class decided to sport a hot pink floor length dress to class today...

FAIL!!!!

Eastern girl.

triumphant return.

Dear Readers,

I've been gone a long time. It was summer, I laughed (when I found out Mex shopped at Old Navy), I cried (When I found a Coach Messenger bag for 60% off) , I fell in love (with Taylor Lautner), and I spent some time away from Eastern. Today was my triumphant return to the school, and thus, my triumphant return to the blog.

I left early this morning, because I recalled, being a seasoned Eastern commuter, that parking is a joke on campus. Or off campus, or around campus. A person always thinks they know how bad it is going to be, until they get there and discover it is much worse. I circled my usual areas and found that they were not only full, but people were waiting in line. I decided to cruise over to the parking structure and just have a brisk morning walk to Pray Harold. I discovered Eastern has made a sound investment by buying a sign which tells you how many spots are open in the structure. It promised me seven available spots, so I hurried in. All the way at the top of the structure (thank god my car didn't run out of gas because the light was on) I found one of the fabled spot, parked, got out of my car and made my way to class. It starts at 10, I left my car at 10:05.

On my way to Pray this author was accosted by no less then three (3) men giving out bibles. The first man I hurried past, but noticing a trend when I came upon the second, I quickly accepted the free word of the lord. When I passed the third man I was able to put my plan into action;

Bible guy: Excuse me miss, have you heard the good word

Eastern Girl: Why my good man, I carry it always in my back pocket, allow me to quote (at this point I opened the bible to a random page) my favorite, marked passage to you Corinthians chapter 5 versus 1-2; 1-"It is actually reported that there is sexual immorality among you, and such sexual immorality as is not even named among the Gentiles - that a man and his fathers wife!: 2 - "And you are puffed up, and have not rather mourned, that he who has done the deed might be taken away from among you!!"

He looked at me somewhat confused, and before he could say anything else I was on my way.

First class, walked in 10 minutes late. Fortunately for this author, it is a teacher I have had 4 times, and he understands the way I work, and my inability to be on time. Something else in my favor is a friend of mine is also taking this class. Her and I work together and she will hence forth be called, Midnight.

As anyone who attends EMU knows, for some odd reason, the races don't mix. Black people sit with black people, white with white, indian with indian, and so on and so forth. Today when I sat down next to Midnight, we broke down racial barriers as she is black. I however built those barriers right back up, by nick naming her Midnight. Be not offended reader, she picked the name herself. Upon discussing the fact that we were a white person (for this author is white) and a black person sitting together we quickly scanned the class for any other biracial friends. I spotted what I thought was a very tan white girl and a black girl sitting together, but midnight informed me the "white girl" was halfrican and we were able to settle into our seats knowing we were the only forward thinking people in the class.

The rest of the day went by in a blur of long walks, and bad fashion. Especially the gentleman. I was HORRIFIED to note that I saw SEVEN (7) guys wearing sleeveless shirts. EMU is not a gay Disco from the 80's. Sleeves should be worn at ALL TIMES gentleman. I don't care how hot it is outside, I don't want to see your white upper arms or, your arm pit hair, for that matter. Cover it up, you disgust me. I also witnessed a girl wearing purple MC Hammer pants. I believe she was trying to pull it off as legit fashion. She failed.

In conclusion I would like to present you with a list. As I was walking today, and taking notice of my surroundings as a good author should do, I spied some things that bothered me. These were all things that Eastern spent money on, that are seemingly, completely pointless.

1. When I pulled up to Oakwood from Wastenaw there was a gentleman directing traffic. It seemed well and good until I noted he was motioning along with the red and green of the traffic lights above his head. I've been driving for sometime now Eastern, I don't need you to hire a man to reiterate green means stop, and red means go... or is that the other way around?...

2. There are three huge cranes sitting behind Mark Jefferson. They have been there since the spring semester. As far as I can tell, NOTHING has been built with them. Believe me reader, when I say huge cranes I mean HUGE cranes. They are taller then the 7 story building they are sitting next to. Instead of buying three huge cranes couldn't we have, oh I don't know, put in more parking?

3. Most universities have a website you can go to, to check things like your schedule, teachers, email and so on and so forth. Today that website was down. Thats right, the first day of school, when everyone needs things like schedules, and teachers, and emails, the website is down. To be fair it worked at a dial up pace, but Midnight and I spent the better part of 20 minutes trying to get it to load on my computer. The confusion even caused a hideous smelly troll boy to hit on me when I was trying to get it to work, however that is a story for another day...

Eastern Girl.

break from school

Alright so right now I am not in school. This means not nearly as many cool, funny, eastern related things happen to me. When nothing weird/bizarre/funny/strange happens to me I can't write about it, and despite Blonde's best efforts, I have yet to be able to pull stuff out of my ass to write a book.

I have a little more down time then I used to and tonight before heading off to dream land I jumped over to you tube to check out some videos I've been meaning to look up. I happened to stumble upon a video about the power puff girls. The fact that it was about the power puff girls isn't the important thing. I happened to glance down at the comments and came across one of the most amazing phenomenon's the internet has brought us. It is something I use when I write this blog, and that is anonymity. Meaning if I don't want anyone to, no one will figure out who I am. Because of this people are able to comment, write, and do thing they normally couldn't do if they thought they could be held accountable for them. This makes for some pretty hilarious comments on the pages of youtube accounts. They are actually usually more interesting to read than the clip is to watch.

So I was treated to a back and forth of the maker of the video and someone who apparently didn't appreciate what they posted on the web. Here are some of the more amazing quotes my additions will be bold and italic...

SteamteamredubUK:if the only word i know is dumbass, then why is my response containing more words than just that one you fucked up little shit. I love the logic behind that statement. Obviously steamteam knows more words than dumbass or his posts would only be "dumbass dumbass dumbass dumbass"

DawnlovesAsh: your f**uckin vocabulary only has the word dumbass its the 21st century we say F**k not dumbass

I personally wasn't aware that when the millennium switched over humanity officially changed from saying dumbass to f**k. How do you even pronounce that with the asterisks in it?

SteamteamredubUK:are you only 5 years old? First off, 5 year olds can't have youtube accounts. the youngest age for an account is 14 or 13. I can turn you into youtube officals for lying about your age. And secondly, how do you know what those words are anyway? 5 year old kids shouldn't be knowing that stuff anyway. And last off, that comment didn't concern you what so ever, so why are you worried aboutfirst of all idiot, i'm NOT from the uk. If you see my other videos, you'll know I'm american. and secondly, do talk about my UK friends like that. I'll tell them what you said and I'll sue you for being prejudice. I have a lawyer

YeYoMex2: seriously your gona be such a little fag about this just dont fucking care about what ppl but your acting like such a fucking pussy

SteamteamredubUK:scared of a little bitch like you? What's you fucking stupid?

The rest really describes itself. "what's you fucking stupid?" I don't even know where to begin with the grammar issues going on here. Personally when I insult someone's power puff girls video on you tube, I try to sound as intelligent as possible.

I know, dear reader, you might be asking yourself why I would deem this little argument in cyber space worthy or writing a blog about. There was one clincher about this tête-à-tête that made me want to bring it to the attention of my reader(s?). When I clicked the link for SteamteamredubUK I discovered his hobby on youtube was uploading the show Thomas the Tank Engine.

I'll let this sink in and process for you....

That means a girl uploading power puff girls videos, and a guy uploading Thomas the Tank Engine video's just spent the past two months calling each other "Faggoty-ass pussys" (don't judge the spelling, it's a direct quote.) This is what anonymity does to people.

Pictured: Dumbass F**k's.

Maybe it's not a good idea after all.

Eastern girl.

lady in the bathroom

Dear lady in the bathroom next to me, 

When one goes into a private ladies rest room there is certain etiquette one must adhere to.  You broke quite a few of these rules on your trip to the fifth floor women's bathroom in Pray Harold today.  Around 11:45 I entered the bathroom, after my delightful computer class, to partake in an afternoon number one.  There are 4 stalls in this bathroom and I took the stall the second from the right, which was next to the handicapped bathroom.  I had barely started to relieve myself when another woman came stomping into the bathroom breathing heavily.  Here entrance was where she made her first mistake.  People are doing a very private thing in the bathroom, unless you are with a girlfriend and fixing your hair/makeup it is unnecessary and frowned upon to be so loud.  

Toilet selection is also an important part of bathroom manners.  In this case empty stalls will be represented with O's and occupied stalls will be represented with X's.  The handicapped stall will be an H.  This is what stall I was in...

O O X H

This is what stall the rude bathroom lady choose..

O X X H

In this situation she should have chosen 

X O X H

There was plenty of space in the bathroom, and one should always give at least one stalls length with applicable.  

I know these seem to be minor offenses, but the horror continues with the most important rule of all; Under NO circumstance is it ok to speak any words meant for your benefit only.  Let me explain myself.

I understand that sometimes a person has a bathroom emergency, I.E. we eat something that doesn't agree with us and must take a doosey of a twosie, which is to say explosive diarrhea.  We've all been there, even if we don't want to admit it, and thats ok, its good to keep those things to yourself.  The problem I have, bathroom lady, is that you felt it necessary to chant "oh god, oh god, oh god." over and over again as the demons flowed from your body.  Also the heavy breathing didn't help matters much.  I can hear that you're fighting a losing battle with your bowels quite clearly just by the toilet noise, and no one needs the verbal cues.  From now on keep them to yourself.

Needless to say I've never washed my hands faster, I needed to get out of there ASAP.  Now do you understand why I was mad about her choosing the adjacent stall to me?!?!

And now something completely unrelated...

nom nom nom...

Eastern girl

WTF

Today in my Computer Science 101 class I had an exam to take.  It was pretty straight forward, just click your answers like you would a facebook or myspace survey.  Still before we started it had to be explained to us by our teacher.  She somehow managed to drag out the explanation for 15 minutes as she clicked through a pre test we had taken just the day before.  All in all the test wasn't so bad but one of the questions was so odd that I went out of my way to memorize it.  The question went a little something like this...

True or false, human emotion can be easily transformed into numbers and stored in a computers memory.  

WTF?  It was one of the most bizarre true or false questions I have ever seen.  I guessed false, but really it could be argued a few different ways.  Can emotion be stored on a computer?  Well yeah, what do you call the stupid little "emoticons" that we are all guilty of using on a daily basis?  I mean "emot", I'm guessing is short for emotion.  Therefore I can easily store in this blog that I am feeling happy :) or frisky ;) or have boobs ( . )( . ).  Ok so I know having boobs isn't an emotion but isn't that sexy?  

Or was the question trying to ask us if computer could SHOW emotion?  As those of you who watch star trek know, they can't unless supplied with an emotion chip (duh).  Data from star trek is an android who doesn't show emotion through the most of his android life.  Until one of the movies that is when the emotion chip is implanted and then becomes fused onto his nural net.  (NEWS FLASH: I'm a loser).  Until that time he is simply an emotionless android. 

Notice: no emotions

So maybe in the future it's possible but as of right now?  This is your top of the line android...

So much for emoting.

In the end I did decide to answer false because I'm sure thats what the teacher is looking for, and I was probably over thinking things. 

In other news there's a cute guy sitting across from me, maybe I'll shoot him one of these ;) I wouldn't want him to think I'm a deranged android tho...

Eastern girl

back from hiatus

Hello dear reader(s?) I know I've been gone for a long time, but as it was time for a break I didn't feel I could properly rant about Eastern if I wasn't in any classes.  Since I'm taking spring classes this semester tho, you're in luck I'm back, but I have some bad news...

Something has happened to me that I may never recover from.  I had just gotten out of a very intense Interracial Communications class in which we watched "Rosewood", which was about a horrible massacre that occurred in Florida.  I was feeling quite down about the world in general, when suddenly it happened.  I was driving down cross street about to turn the the left side of the penis tower when a frisbee flew in front of my car.  I hit the breaks, since I didn't want to run over whatever frat boy or stoner was about to go chasing after it.  Then like a mythical sasquatch, the hottest guy I have ever seen in person walked in front of my car.  I was about 6'2'' tall, with the body of a Adonis, or for those of you not farmilier with Adonis, the body of Edward Cullen. 

He was wearing tiny blue shorts and his shaggy hair was held in place with the luckiest head band in the world.  Because of the vigor's of tossing the bee, he was sweaty and glistening.  I swear to god I almost crashed into a phone pole, which I can only assume I was drawn to because it was phallic.   I know I said this was a terrible ordeal, and the reason I say that is now every mere mortal man will seem hideous by comparison.  I think the only man hotter then him is Ryan Reynolds.  So picture this...

...Only different because I saw him with my eyes, and not on a screen.

In other news, I may have a hard time finding things wrong with this semester, all my teachers are surprisingly competent this time around.  I know that seems crazy, but since I was careful to check rate my professor before signing up, I might have actually pulled off the impossible.  

Eastern Girl.