SIGH

My new celebrity crush has already disappointed me.  Thats right folks Andy Samberg is dating Joanna Newsom.  

This is Andy bringing sexy back...

The funniest guy on SNL is dating a girl who screeches out ballads along side a harpsichord with the voice of a 13-year-old woodland creature who's testicles have yet to descend... Don't believe me? 

Seriously tho, is she Deaf?  Or slow witted when it comes to real life, but still a harp prodigy?  Like a harp rain man perhaps?  

Either way it looks like I'm going back to my original funny man crush, because I will never look at Andy Samberg the same again.  You know with his group "The Lonely Island" producing the side splitting hilarity they usually do, I just can't imagine him being able to take that screeching banshee seriously.  

In the long run I guess it gives us all hope, I mean even half elf/human/woodland creatures can find someone awesome.  

Until Andy proves himself worthy of my adoration again I'm switching back to my other favorite funny man...

not always a complaint...

Even though I usually complain about Eastern there is the occasional awesome professor. I've had 3 that I can think of, and am luck enough to have two classes with one of them this year. He has his PhD and remains down to earth, funny, and in general a really cool guy to listen to.  He makes lecture fun by relating his life, in humorous ways to everything we are learning.  Today in class we did an activity where we had to decide which car the group wanted to drive.  He walked around adding to every groups discussion every now and then and helping us relate what we were learning to the situation at hand.  He also said one of the funniest things I've heard a professor say in a long time.  During his wrap up of the activity he said the word  "ain't" one of the students corrected him, and he turned to her and said "don't worry, I can say ain't I have a PhD."  It may have been one of those had to be there moments, but we all started laughing, some of us to the point of almost being in tears.  

I am not always in work or school, and when I'm not at one of these two places I can usually be found at rendezvous cafe getting my study on.  On the way back to my car after an intense study session with Mex, (my BFF's alias) I found myself in a very interesting situation.  I was in a parking garage in Ann Arbor getting into my car when 3 black gentleman approached me.  Since I have been conditioned to be terrified of strange men, especially in groups, (and lets face it especially black men)  I immediately wondered how PC of me it would be to scream rape, throw my bag at them, and run as fast as I could.  Instead I opted to stand still and kept telling myself "don't act scared" as if a group of gang rapists would not assault me if I didn't look terrified.  One of the guys asked me very pleasantly if I had jumper cables because their car (a very foreboding saturn across the lot) was out of juice.  Wondering if it was a trick I remained cautious as I told them I didn't have any cables but if they wanted to hold on I could look.  I got into my car as I pretended to fish through my car (which if you know me, is a HOT MESS) and as I'm rummaging through the trash I come across my DVD copy of "Crash".  I sit there and think things over for a second, and realize I am the biggest fucking hypocrite on the planet.  Here I am terrified of three guys who just wanted to jump their car.  I am an ass hole, to the extreme.  I know it's ok to cautious but these guys were really just trying to get their car working, and in all my terror I totally bypassed the fact that there were police officers about 50 yards from me keeping an eye on things in the structure.  I felt so bad for being terrified that I became overly helpful, I didn't have any jumper cables, but I went so far as to offer calling triple A for them.  As I was driving away full of shame, I even contemplated buying jumper cables and going back to help.  

In other news my life has been uneventful for the past few days, I haven't gone into any blind rage over Eastern, besides a little drama at work (I work in retail, it comes with the territory) my life has been pretty boring.  Although since I am about to go to Ad class, with my super self important professor, I'm sure I'll be back on sometime today to rant and rave about some atrocity from the class.

Hope this satisfies you Blonde,

Eastern Girl

ps.  There are two guys in the back of the coney island playing Magic, the gathering and offending my nose every time I go back to use the bathroom.  Apparently they've been to busy playing Magic to bother with a shower.  I guess thats the life of a +3 wizard...

exams exams exams...

Most of us who attend Eastern have jobs as well.  Lets face it, it's not really a school that people see as a priority like UofM or UofM Dearborn.  Besides that fact that it has five colleges (surprising I know) it's basically a glorified community college.  I'm not saying it's as easy as community college, it's just that everyone commutes, and almost no one makes it their first priority (although if you find someone that does try to do group work with them).  This is why I find myself deprived of sleep almost all the time.  

Like quite a few of my fellow students I don't have one job, but multiple jobs in and around the greater metro-detroit area.  And since you can't really call off due to Exams, the all nighter is an excellent way to cram as much crap/knowledge into your brain as you possibly can.  I was up until 5 in the morning trying to learn 7 chapters in a book, my prof never actually taught us (see first entry, Hollywood is more important).  This study session carried over into the 2.5 hours of break I have between my classes.  

I like to do most of my studying at the Coney Island near campus.  It is the best kept secret for people that smoke, since you can go in, order coffee and chain smoke as you desperately try to learn the material.  I myself quite smoking a few months back, but still go to the cafe, out of habit, and because I like to test my will power by surrounding myself with delicious cigarettes.   It's like lung cancer Russian roulette, will this be the day I fall off the wagon?  Turns out it wasn't I barely had time to sift through the power point presentations and enjoy my grilled cheese sandwich, let alone kill myself slowly with delicious poison (it also makes you look cool, and all the kids are doing it...)  It's really quite a lovely restaurant when you get passed the fact that I'm pretty sure it would be closed immediately if it were to be inspected.  Dirt and grim aside, the woman who always seems to be working makes the best damn grilled cheese sandwich in the area (it has three pieces of bread people!!).  The most disruptive thing I ran across was the way my email account was blowing up as I tried to quickly learn everything there was to know about advertising.  You see, my phone is set up to receive my e-mails as well, and it kept going off with 11, count them 11 emails from people in my class desperately wondering what the hell the test was about.  I responded to a few choice people letting them know that, in the syllabus it claims to be regarding the first seven chapters, but to be fair we can't really be sure.

Eventually, with only a few stops at myspace and facebook, I pack up my things and head to the test (I only had to leave a half hour prior because I'm going to the COB and they have a glorious parking structure that for some sane reason is located right next to the building, who knew it could be that easy?)  Luckily I arrived early enough to stop off at the bathroom, which I desperately needed to visit.  I failed to mention above that during my 2.5 hour study session I managed to suck down 8 cups of coffee, at one point the waitress/cook/dishwasher/any other restaurant occupation you can think of told me I could just get my own refills if she was busy.  Some might find this crass, but I was glad to no longer be bugging her every 5 minutes when my coffee ran out.  I hope the other patrons weren't offended by the fact that I was running into the kitchen every few minutes to get more coffee.  I walk into the test having just emptied my bladder (I already have to pee again) still feeling tired, but with a wonderful case of the jitters to keep me awake.  

The exam didn't turn out to be to hard (that I know of I guess) but the best part was the last question asking us to list any extra credit we may have done during the first few weeks of class.  We've been given opportunities for extra credit, but apparently she hasn't been keeping track of it, and all the points are on the honor system.  

I managed to make it home without falling asleep, walk in the door and make it to the kitchen table, where I had the foresight to lay out my pajamas so I could put them on the second I walked in the door.  I'm getting ready to take a much deserved nap when the doorbell rings, a package for my parent that works at Eastern has arrived. I don't want said parent to get in trouble so from now one I will be referring to them as "Parent".  Parent has been waiting for this package for a while so I decide to be a nice kid and call the school to inform them.  I dial the number and am connected to someone working in parents office.  I ask for parent and she informs me that no one by parents name works there.  I assure her that my parent has been working there for years and if she just stood up and yelled their name, they would come to the phone, because they work in the office across the way.  She proceeds to explain that she has been working there for quite some time, and has no idea who I am talking about when I say my parents name again.  We all have cell phones, which we store numbers in, and I can assure you that the number under "parent work" has not changed since they started working at Eastern.  I try to explain this to the girl on the phone and she gives me another phone number to call where my parent (who she has suddenly heard of) will allegedly  be.  I explain to her, she doesn't know what she's talking about, and to just patch me through to her boss.  She then clearly says "alright I will patch you through to "Parent Name".  Are you kidding me?!?!  I said parent name clearly at least six times to this woman, and she didn't ever put two and two together that her boss and parent name (who strange enough have THE SAME NAME) are the same person?  

I thought I had almost made it through an entire day without being disappointed with Eastern, alas it wasn't to be.  I'm almost done with this entry, and my dad has just invited me to join he and my mother at the sidetrack for dinner.  FUCK I was hoping to curl up on the couch and get some sleep, but since a poor college student can't pass up free food, it looks like I'm going to have to tough it out.  9th cup of coffee, here I come...

Eastern Girl

The first post

I am a student at Eastern Michigan University.  A few weeks ago at the beginning of term I was asked to write an essay on the topic "What it means to be a university student".  I of course bullshitted my way through the entire thing.  Lets face it, at this school standards aren't exactly high as long as you punctuate and make a half assed attempt at spelling you're going to get a B at least.  

I ended up getting a 50/50 (it turns out my "professor" actually only grades punctuation and spelling, so every time you fuck that up you lose a point, apparently I'm sweet at these things, or at least my spell check is.)  However the real damage had been done.  I actually started thinking about what it meant to be a student at Eastern, and it's not pretty.  I decided to start blogging about it, because thats what disgruntled people in this century do.  I decided the ridiculousness of this school needed to be documented.  

Monday:  My first class is at 10 am in Pray, which means I have to leave my house in canton at 7 in the morning so I can spend the next three hours looking for a parking spot.  The parking situation can be summed by one of the most amazing bumper stickers I have ever seen "Eastern Michigan University: If you see my professor, tell him I'm looking for a parking spot."  As a commuter most pay around 70$ to get a parking pass that grants you the ability to park at a school that didn't have the foresight to add any parking spaces.  I'm not your average student, I have managed to get my hands on a staff parking pass which, trust me, isn't any better.  As a matter of fact there are many parking lots I CAN'T park in.

My first two classes actually go well because I have a competent prof (We usually get one that's competent, and I happen to have the same prof twice in a row) however my next class is taught by one of the best kids of stereotypical professors you can get.  We all know the one, it's the prof who doesn't actually teach you anything about the class.  They are just so self important that they think you will learn more from them talking about their personal lives then from the book.  So far in this class I have learned four things: 1. My prof was at the premiere of the English release of MadMen, where she was the guest of honor (because ENGLAND usually gets its super sexy premier worthy guests from Eastern)  2.  She has spent quite a bit of time researching ANYTHING that could possibly make living/teaching at Eastern more exciting (the best thing she's found thus far is apparently Ypsi used to sell a lot of underwear) 3. Last week she was globe-trekking in Australia, because she's so important a "big firm from Hollywood (in Australia?!)" had to send her there (even though I'm pretty sure I saw her at Meijer at one in the morning filling her cart with romance novels).  4.  She's obsessed with name dropping, except the only name she drops is the word "Hollywood". 

After Adv. Prof talked about the latest things in Hollywood for the first half an hour of class she decided to do an activity.  In this activity she would break us into the four main areas where people hear advertisement.  So she had all the kids who watched Reality TV that weekend stand in one corner.  The other corner had people that watched sports, next to them were people that read a book.  Those of us who happened to turn on the radio that weekend went to the back corner.  Now I'm no professor at Eastern, but I'm fairly sure I can say with confidence that the four main outlets for advertisement are not "Reality TV, Radio, Sports, and Books".  As a matter of fact, I'm hard pressed to remember the last time I found an advertisement in a book.  We were supposed to discuss all the adds we had noticed over the weekend and wether or not they worked.  I know my group, mostly talked about how stupid our teacher is, and how ill prepared we are for the upcoming test on wednesday since she has yet to teach us anything that actually deals with the book (which cost me 188 dollars, just saying).  I can only imagine what rigorous conversation the people who found advertising in books were talking about...

After about half an hour of this we had to sit back down, and listen to her talk about add club for the rest of the period.  Thank god I sit next to someone who thinks I'm funny, getting her to laugh at inappropriate times is the only thing that keeps me entertained.  We're not allowed to have lop tops in the class, I'm sure the reason for that is Adv. Prof can't stand the idea of someone not listening to her talk about Hollywood, and is instead, I don't know, watching porn on their computer.  which is at least 65% more educational then the garbage that comes out of her mouth.  Class ends, and everyone leaves after losing an hour and a half of our lives we will never get back.  

I had an hour break between classes and hopped in my car to go from the COB back to Pray.  I thought about making a sacrifice to the parking god (who is a vengeful god indeed) so I would be able to find a spot, reasonably close, to Pray so I wouldn't have to walk very far across are oh-so-safe campus once it got dark out.  Luckily I was able to drain the blood of a goat as an offering on my way and found a spot in a staff lot that I snuck into, I had already given 3 dollars to the paid lots today, and damn it I wasn't going to again.  

I was pleasantly surprised when I noticed an old Prof of mine (who I actually liked and found competent) parking next to me.  I rolled down my window and we exchanged pleasantries and she asked me what class I was going to.  I told her, and she immediately began laughing.  You see the prof that I'm currently talking with knows my characteristics and my sense of humor, so she immediately understood that I hated the Prof of my next class.  He's about 100 years old, and teaches a class on intercultural communications.  I've been in the class for 4 weeks now and the only cultural differences he has taught us are these; 1.  Mexicans are late to meetings sometimes because thats just how things are in Mexico.  2.  Black people have Mac and Cheese at Thanksgiving, because most of them are to poor to afford real food.  Yes this is actually something a professor at Eastern Michigan said to my class room, don't worry though, he assured us that it wasn't racially insensitive because he didn't say it about ONE person, instead generalized the entire group.  Yeah I didn't follow that logic either. 

My nice prof that I ran into wished me good luck with the class and we both headed inside.  

In my last class of the day we are getting back our first exam.  To back things up a step or two, this is one of the most insane exams I have ever taken.  One of the questions was "Name three things you've thought about in this class."  (I was incredibly attempted to write 1. Going out for a drink after.  2.  porn.  3.  What the hell that girl across the room was thinking when she got up this morning and put a scrunchie in her hair.)  I got back my exam and was incredibly startled to find he had given me a 47 out of 100.  47% isn't exactly passing.  However fortunately for my grades and I, this Prof is an idiot.  I looked at the points I was awarded and realized something quite didn't add up, and that wasn't supposed to be a pun, the numbers didn't actually add up.  Apparently he wasn't taught about the whole addition thing.  After my re-calculation  he had actually awarded me 58 points, which still isn't passing, but I'm getting closer.  It also turned out that one of the questions he asked us, worth ten points, was about an activity that the class actually didn't do.  One brave sole in the classroom raised her hand to point it out, and everyone else quickly agreed, that no, we didn't ever do the activity he was talking about.  As a matter of fact none of us had ever heard of it.  I got another 10 points out of that one, which brings my total to 68.  I've passed!!!  However I see that there is more opportunity on the horizon to get extra points.  Two of my questions, that I clearly answered right, he has awarded me no points for.  In once case actually crossing out 10 and writing a zero in it's place.  After a conversation with him during his office hours, I am happy to say I eventually got an 85 on the test.  Thats right, 47 to 85.  I can understand a professor messing up a few points but 37 of them?

It was during the chance meeting with my old professor that I decided to write this blog.  She told me that she had always found me to be a great writer, especially enjoying my whit and humor.  I figured why not a blog?  Maybe another Eastern Student will even read it someday, and I can find out if everyone else finds the school as ridiculous as I do?  I know what some must be thinking, if I hate it so much why do I still go here?  That is an easy question for me to answer.  A parent of mine works on campus thus I get half off tuition.  This is the ONE and ONLY reason I attend this school, please don't hold it against me.

Eastern Girl.