A very special Birthday wish.

As many of you have noticed the characters on my blog have silly names. Names like "Mex", "Blonde" and "Midnight". These characters are all real live people, but in the interest of anonymity, have been given said silly names. One of them is having a very special day so I wanted to take a second to announce it.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BLONDE!!

May all your wishes come true. Tomorrow I will return to our regularly scheduled (or random) posting.

Eastern Girl

safety is a top priority.

Eastern Michigan is nestled deep in the bosom of Ypsilanti Michigan. As most of you know, but some of you don't, there are certain areas of Ypsi that aren't as safe as, oh lets say, any other city but detroit or flint. Basically if the state of Michigan was a man dying of a gunshot wound Eastern would be the festering bullet hole.

Since Easter is so scary and dangerous, safety is a top priority. Students that attend here are very aware that we can have text message safety updates sent right to our phone! I was sent a message once, as I am set up to receive them. The message warned that a black male punched a student who was texting, and then stole their phone. The message urged us not to be distracted by things like our phone when we are walking around campus, lest we be reading a message (lets say a safety update?) and get punched in the face.

I'm going to put forward a scenario. Keep in mind dear readers this didn't actually happen to me, but as a member of the Eastern student body it very well could... I take you to 8:30, I'm just getting out of my evening class....

I am walking to my car which is on the other side of campus. I didn't put in my ear buds because I wanted to stay alert. I even ignored my text messages, assuming it was just Mex, wanting to relate the latest goings on of storm chasers. Suddenly I notice a man coming up behind me! He's coming fast and starts to shout "EH BITCH I'M GOING TO MURDER YOU!!!" I start to run as fast as my little legs can carry me. In the distance I see something that could save me. It's one of the many emergency poles on campus. You know the ones, they have a blue light and you push the button to get the police to you. I sprint for it as fast as I can a sudden calm washing over me as I realize I might be saved from the murderer. When I get to the pole my heart is crushed when I see this in front of me...

Seriously? I knew things were bad here but not that bad, Adrenaline however rushes anew when I notice a little farther down the line is another emergency pole. My attacker is still chasing me "YO BITCH I'M GOING TO STEEL YOUR SHIT AND MURDER YOU!!!" But I know I just have to make it a little further to safety. I'll push the call button and the Eastern Police force will descend on him like so many majestic Eastern Eagles! I arrive at the post...

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?! I think to myself as I almost collapse from a heart attack. I am not a runner and I know my adrenaline will eventually run out. Fortunately for me my attacker stumbled and fell on some uneven side walk. As he gets to his feet he yells "EH BITCH! YOU MADE ME FALL ON MY ASS! I'M GOING TO MURDER THE HELL OUT OF YOU NOW! AND YOUR FAMILY JUST AS SOON AS I CATCH YOU!!! With fresh terror in my heart I see yet another emergency pole in the distance I summon my remaining energy and sprit to it like my very life depends on it (it does!!!) SURLY this one will be in working order, and I will receive the aid I require!!

FUUUUUUCK! REALLY EASTERN?!?!?! I AM ABOUT TO BE MURDERED AND YOU'RE GOING TO PULL THIS SHIT ON ME? Now more then fear I am propelled by anger. Eastern, once again has failed me, by making me jump thru hoops and waste time when I really need to be helped. Kind of like when I need to get my financial aid taken care of, except instead of paying for college I'm going to get murdered. "EH BITCH! YOU'VE RUN FAR AND I'M OUT OF BREATH, YOU'RE GOING TO PAY FOR THIS!!! PAY FOR IT WITH YOUR LIFE!! Now I am more determined then ever to reach safety, just so I can bitch to someone about these poles not working. I see another in the distance. Even Eastern isn't this bad... right?

I don't even know why I'm surprised. Honestly why would it work... FUCKING EASTERN! I sense my attacker has finally reached me, but like the hulk, I am angry. Very angry that ONCE AGAIN Eastern has FAILED. I grabbed the mirror by the truck and beat my attacker senseless, using all the rage I have geared towards the school. As I walk away my cell phone vibrates again. Fuck it, I'm going to be attacked anyway, lets see what it says. "Attention students; a crazy woman is beating people to death with truck mirrors, be on high alert."

So like I said, none that really happened, but it could. It could happen to ANYONE.

In other news a girl in my class decided to sport a hot pink floor length dress to class today...

FAIL!!!!

Eastern girl.

triumphant return.

Dear Readers,

I've been gone a long time. It was summer, I laughed (when I found out Mex shopped at Old Navy), I cried (When I found a Coach Messenger bag for 60% off) , I fell in love (with Taylor Lautner), and I spent some time away from Eastern. Today was my triumphant return to the school, and thus, my triumphant return to the blog.

I left early this morning, because I recalled, being a seasoned Eastern commuter, that parking is a joke on campus. Or off campus, or around campus. A person always thinks they know how bad it is going to be, until they get there and discover it is much worse. I circled my usual areas and found that they were not only full, but people were waiting in line. I decided to cruise over to the parking structure and just have a brisk morning walk to Pray Harold. I discovered Eastern has made a sound investment by buying a sign which tells you how many spots are open in the structure. It promised me seven available spots, so I hurried in. All the way at the top of the structure (thank god my car didn't run out of gas because the light was on) I found one of the fabled spot, parked, got out of my car and made my way to class. It starts at 10, I left my car at 10:05.

On my way to Pray this author was accosted by no less then three (3) men giving out bibles. The first man I hurried past, but noticing a trend when I came upon the second, I quickly accepted the free word of the lord. When I passed the third man I was able to put my plan into action;

Bible guy: Excuse me miss, have you heard the good word

Eastern Girl: Why my good man, I carry it always in my back pocket, allow me to quote (at this point I opened the bible to a random page) my favorite, marked passage to you Corinthians chapter 5 versus 1-2; 1-"It is actually reported that there is sexual immorality among you, and such sexual immorality as is not even named among the Gentiles - that a man and his fathers wife!: 2 - "And you are puffed up, and have not rather mourned, that he who has done the deed might be taken away from among you!!"

He looked at me somewhat confused, and before he could say anything else I was on my way.

First class, walked in 10 minutes late. Fortunately for this author, it is a teacher I have had 4 times, and he understands the way I work, and my inability to be on time. Something else in my favor is a friend of mine is also taking this class. Her and I work together and she will hence forth be called, Midnight.

As anyone who attends EMU knows, for some odd reason, the races don't mix. Black people sit with black people, white with white, indian with indian, and so on and so forth. Today when I sat down next to Midnight, we broke down racial barriers as she is black. I however built those barriers right back up, by nick naming her Midnight. Be not offended reader, she picked the name herself. Upon discussing the fact that we were a white person (for this author is white) and a black person sitting together we quickly scanned the class for any other biracial friends. I spotted what I thought was a very tan white girl and a black girl sitting together, but midnight informed me the "white girl" was halfrican and we were able to settle into our seats knowing we were the only forward thinking people in the class.

The rest of the day went by in a blur of long walks, and bad fashion. Especially the gentleman. I was HORRIFIED to note that I saw SEVEN (7) guys wearing sleeveless shirts. EMU is not a gay Disco from the 80's. Sleeves should be worn at ALL TIMES gentleman. I don't care how hot it is outside, I don't want to see your white upper arms or, your arm pit hair, for that matter. Cover it up, you disgust me. I also witnessed a girl wearing purple MC Hammer pants. I believe she was trying to pull it off as legit fashion. She failed.

In conclusion I would like to present you with a list. As I was walking today, and taking notice of my surroundings as a good author should do, I spied some things that bothered me. These were all things that Eastern spent money on, that are seemingly, completely pointless.

1. When I pulled up to Oakwood from Wastenaw there was a gentleman directing traffic. It seemed well and good until I noted he was motioning along with the red and green of the traffic lights above his head. I've been driving for sometime now Eastern, I don't need you to hire a man to reiterate green means stop, and red means go... or is that the other way around?...

2. There are three huge cranes sitting behind Mark Jefferson. They have been there since the spring semester. As far as I can tell, NOTHING has been built with them. Believe me reader, when I say huge cranes I mean HUGE cranes. They are taller then the 7 story building they are sitting next to. Instead of buying three huge cranes couldn't we have, oh I don't know, put in more parking?

3. Most universities have a website you can go to, to check things like your schedule, teachers, email and so on and so forth. Today that website was down. Thats right, the first day of school, when everyone needs things like schedules, and teachers, and emails, the website is down. To be fair it worked at a dial up pace, but Midnight and I spent the better part of 20 minutes trying to get it to load on my computer. The confusion even caused a hideous smelly troll boy to hit on me when I was trying to get it to work, however that is a story for another day...

Eastern Girl.