expressing yourself.

Eastern is a medium sized college. The only school building that isn't in walking distance from everything else is, arguably, the College of Business. Because of the size of the campus we are expected to get everywhere without the aid of cars, or a bus system. Don't get me wrong there are busses on campus, but they don't take you from one building to another, and are really Ypsilanti busses, not meant solely for campus use. As I have complained before all the parking is on the parameter of the campus so there is a lot of walking back and forth to do.

All the non-motorized transportation has caused students to take up other means of transportation across campus. It has become a sort of self expression. Everyone who doesn't walk is either in to much of a hurry to get to class that they can't bother being bipedal, or just wants to show off their skills. For example Bicycles are for people in a hurry, they are to busy to walk, and they need to zoom to and from class in an apparent rush to let us know. Skate boarder riders are the typical group showing off. Generally guys in their little sisters straight leg jeans, glide past us and leave behind a whiff of the stale weed they just got done smoking. To the skate boarders I say "good for you!" I can't even move on a skateboard, let alone try and do it high.

There is one other person on campus, dear reader, who is more of a show off then our skate boarding class mates. If you have spent a few days on campus in the general vicinity of Pray Harold or, Quirk, you have, no doubt, seen him. I speak of course of Unicycle guy. With his gym shorts and ever present Croc shoes he rides by in a blur of moderate paced ridiculousness. The thing that confuses me most about unicycle guy is this; he doesn't get places much faster than those of us who are using our two legs like suckers. It is because of this I concluded that he only does it because he wants to say to the world: "Look at me! I spent years of my life perfecting riding this ridiculous contraption! Should EMU not work out for me, I could easily fall back on a career as a circus clown! You are shamed by my presence!"

Unicycle guy, I am not shamed by you. I am happy to use the legs I was given, but I would be even more happy to see you fall off your stupid unicycle and break your face on the concrete. This author tried to get a picture of the magical unicorn that is Unicycle guy, however I have failed, not because he is fast moving, but because he is usually across the street, and my cell phone camera doesn't zoom. You're not missing much, he looks a little something like this...

But with Croc's not clown shoes.

Emich Girl

A very special Birthday wish.

As many of you have noticed the characters on my blog have silly names. Names like "Mex", "Blonde" and "Midnight". These characters are all real live people, but in the interest of anonymity, have been given said silly names. One of them is having a very special day so I wanted to take a second to announce it.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BLONDE!!

May all your wishes come true. Tomorrow I will return to our regularly scheduled (or random) posting.

Eastern Girl

safety is a top priority.

Eastern Michigan is nestled deep in the bosom of Ypsilanti Michigan. As most of you know, but some of you don't, there are certain areas of Ypsi that aren't as safe as, oh lets say, any other city but detroit or flint. Basically if the state of Michigan was a man dying of a gunshot wound Eastern would be the festering bullet hole.

Since Easter is so scary and dangerous, safety is a top priority. Students that attend here are very aware that we can have text message safety updates sent right to our phone! I was sent a message once, as I am set up to receive them. The message warned that a black male punched a student who was texting, and then stole their phone. The message urged us not to be distracted by things like our phone when we are walking around campus, lest we be reading a message (lets say a safety update?) and get punched in the face.

I'm going to put forward a scenario. Keep in mind dear readers this didn't actually happen to me, but as a member of the Eastern student body it very well could... I take you to 8:30, I'm just getting out of my evening class....

I am walking to my car which is on the other side of campus. I didn't put in my ear buds because I wanted to stay alert. I even ignored my text messages, assuming it was just Mex, wanting to relate the latest goings on of storm chasers. Suddenly I notice a man coming up behind me! He's coming fast and starts to shout "EH BITCH I'M GOING TO MURDER YOU!!!" I start to run as fast as my little legs can carry me. In the distance I see something that could save me. It's one of the many emergency poles on campus. You know the ones, they have a blue light and you push the button to get the police to you. I sprint for it as fast as I can a sudden calm washing over me as I realize I might be saved from the murderer. When I get to the pole my heart is crushed when I see this in front of me...

Seriously? I knew things were bad here but not that bad, Adrenaline however rushes anew when I notice a little farther down the line is another emergency pole. My attacker is still chasing me "YO BITCH I'M GOING TO STEEL YOUR SHIT AND MURDER YOU!!!" But I know I just have to make it a little further to safety. I'll push the call button and the Eastern Police force will descend on him like so many majestic Eastern Eagles! I arrive at the post...

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?! I think to myself as I almost collapse from a heart attack. I am not a runner and I know my adrenaline will eventually run out. Fortunately for me my attacker stumbled and fell on some uneven side walk. As he gets to his feet he yells "EH BITCH! YOU MADE ME FALL ON MY ASS! I'M GOING TO MURDER THE HELL OUT OF YOU NOW! AND YOUR FAMILY JUST AS SOON AS I CATCH YOU!!! With fresh terror in my heart I see yet another emergency pole in the distance I summon my remaining energy and sprit to it like my very life depends on it (it does!!!) SURLY this one will be in working order, and I will receive the aid I require!!

FUUUUUUCK! REALLY EASTERN?!?!?! I AM ABOUT TO BE MURDERED AND YOU'RE GOING TO PULL THIS SHIT ON ME? Now more then fear I am propelled by anger. Eastern, once again has failed me, by making me jump thru hoops and waste time when I really need to be helped. Kind of like when I need to get my financial aid taken care of, except instead of paying for college I'm going to get murdered. "EH BITCH! YOU'VE RUN FAR AND I'M OUT OF BREATH, YOU'RE GOING TO PAY FOR THIS!!! PAY FOR IT WITH YOUR LIFE!! Now I am more determined then ever to reach safety, just so I can bitch to someone about these poles not working. I see another in the distance. Even Eastern isn't this bad... right?

I don't even know why I'm surprised. Honestly why would it work... FUCKING EASTERN! I sense my attacker has finally reached me, but like the hulk, I am angry. Very angry that ONCE AGAIN Eastern has FAILED. I grabbed the mirror by the truck and beat my attacker senseless, using all the rage I have geared towards the school. As I walk away my cell phone vibrates again. Fuck it, I'm going to be attacked anyway, lets see what it says. "Attention students; a crazy woman is beating people to death with truck mirrors, be on high alert."

So like I said, none that really happened, but it could. It could happen to ANYONE.

In other news a girl in my class decided to sport a hot pink floor length dress to class today...

FAIL!!!!

Eastern girl.

triumphant return.

Dear Readers,

I've been gone a long time. It was summer, I laughed (when I found out Mex shopped at Old Navy), I cried (When I found a Coach Messenger bag for 60% off) , I fell in love (with Taylor Lautner), and I spent some time away from Eastern. Today was my triumphant return to the school, and thus, my triumphant return to the blog.

I left early this morning, because I recalled, being a seasoned Eastern commuter, that parking is a joke on campus. Or off campus, or around campus. A person always thinks they know how bad it is going to be, until they get there and discover it is much worse. I circled my usual areas and found that they were not only full, but people were waiting in line. I decided to cruise over to the parking structure and just have a brisk morning walk to Pray Harold. I discovered Eastern has made a sound investment by buying a sign which tells you how many spots are open in the structure. It promised me seven available spots, so I hurried in. All the way at the top of the structure (thank god my car didn't run out of gas because the light was on) I found one of the fabled spot, parked, got out of my car and made my way to class. It starts at 10, I left my car at 10:05.

On my way to Pray this author was accosted by no less then three (3) men giving out bibles. The first man I hurried past, but noticing a trend when I came upon the second, I quickly accepted the free word of the lord. When I passed the third man I was able to put my plan into action;

Bible guy: Excuse me miss, have you heard the good word

Eastern Girl: Why my good man, I carry it always in my back pocket, allow me to quote (at this point I opened the bible to a random page) my favorite, marked passage to you Corinthians chapter 5 versus 1-2; 1-"It is actually reported that there is sexual immorality among you, and such sexual immorality as is not even named among the Gentiles - that a man and his fathers wife!: 2 - "And you are puffed up, and have not rather mourned, that he who has done the deed might be taken away from among you!!"

He looked at me somewhat confused, and before he could say anything else I was on my way.

First class, walked in 10 minutes late. Fortunately for this author, it is a teacher I have had 4 times, and he understands the way I work, and my inability to be on time. Something else in my favor is a friend of mine is also taking this class. Her and I work together and she will hence forth be called, Midnight.

As anyone who attends EMU knows, for some odd reason, the races don't mix. Black people sit with black people, white with white, indian with indian, and so on and so forth. Today when I sat down next to Midnight, we broke down racial barriers as she is black. I however built those barriers right back up, by nick naming her Midnight. Be not offended reader, she picked the name herself. Upon discussing the fact that we were a white person (for this author is white) and a black person sitting together we quickly scanned the class for any other biracial friends. I spotted what I thought was a very tan white girl and a black girl sitting together, but midnight informed me the "white girl" was halfrican and we were able to settle into our seats knowing we were the only forward thinking people in the class.

The rest of the day went by in a blur of long walks, and bad fashion. Especially the gentleman. I was HORRIFIED to note that I saw SEVEN (7) guys wearing sleeveless shirts. EMU is not a gay Disco from the 80's. Sleeves should be worn at ALL TIMES gentleman. I don't care how hot it is outside, I don't want to see your white upper arms or, your arm pit hair, for that matter. Cover it up, you disgust me. I also witnessed a girl wearing purple MC Hammer pants. I believe she was trying to pull it off as legit fashion. She failed.

In conclusion I would like to present you with a list. As I was walking today, and taking notice of my surroundings as a good author should do, I spied some things that bothered me. These were all things that Eastern spent money on, that are seemingly, completely pointless.

1. When I pulled up to Oakwood from Wastenaw there was a gentleman directing traffic. It seemed well and good until I noted he was motioning along with the red and green of the traffic lights above his head. I've been driving for sometime now Eastern, I don't need you to hire a man to reiterate green means stop, and red means go... or is that the other way around?...

2. There are three huge cranes sitting behind Mark Jefferson. They have been there since the spring semester. As far as I can tell, NOTHING has been built with them. Believe me reader, when I say huge cranes I mean HUGE cranes. They are taller then the 7 story building they are sitting next to. Instead of buying three huge cranes couldn't we have, oh I don't know, put in more parking?

3. Most universities have a website you can go to, to check things like your schedule, teachers, email and so on and so forth. Today that website was down. Thats right, the first day of school, when everyone needs things like schedules, and teachers, and emails, the website is down. To be fair it worked at a dial up pace, but Midnight and I spent the better part of 20 minutes trying to get it to load on my computer. The confusion even caused a hideous smelly troll boy to hit on me when I was trying to get it to work, however that is a story for another day...

Eastern Girl.

break from school

Alright so right now I am not in school. This means not nearly as many cool, funny, eastern related things happen to me. When nothing weird/bizarre/funny/strange happens to me I can't write about it, and despite Blonde's best efforts, I have yet to be able to pull stuff out of my ass to write a book.

I have a little more down time then I used to and tonight before heading off to dream land I jumped over to you tube to check out some videos I've been meaning to look up. I happened to stumble upon a video about the power puff girls. The fact that it was about the power puff girls isn't the important thing. I happened to glance down at the comments and came across one of the most amazing phenomenon's the internet has brought us. It is something I use when I write this blog, and that is anonymity. Meaning if I don't want anyone to, no one will figure out who I am. Because of this people are able to comment, write, and do thing they normally couldn't do if they thought they could be held accountable for them. This makes for some pretty hilarious comments on the pages of youtube accounts. They are actually usually more interesting to read than the clip is to watch.

So I was treated to a back and forth of the maker of the video and someone who apparently didn't appreciate what they posted on the web. Here are some of the more amazing quotes my additions will be bold and italic...

SteamteamredubUK:if the only word i know is dumbass, then why is my response containing more words than just that one you fucked up little shit. I love the logic behind that statement. Obviously steamteam knows more words than dumbass or his posts would only be "dumbass dumbass dumbass dumbass"

DawnlovesAsh: your f**uckin vocabulary only has the word dumbass its the 21st century we say F**k not dumbass

I personally wasn't aware that when the millennium switched over humanity officially changed from saying dumbass to f**k. How do you even pronounce that with the asterisks in it?

SteamteamredubUK:are you only 5 years old? First off, 5 year olds can't have youtube accounts. the youngest age for an account is 14 or 13. I can turn you into youtube officals for lying about your age. And secondly, how do you know what those words are anyway? 5 year old kids shouldn't be knowing that stuff anyway. And last off, that comment didn't concern you what so ever, so why are you worried aboutfirst of all idiot, i'm NOT from the uk. If you see my other videos, you'll know I'm american. and secondly, do talk about my UK friends like that. I'll tell them what you said and I'll sue you for being prejudice. I have a lawyer

YeYoMex2: seriously your gona be such a little fag about this just dont fucking care about what ppl but your acting like such a fucking pussy

SteamteamredubUK:scared of a little bitch like you? What's you fucking stupid?

The rest really describes itself. "what's you fucking stupid?" I don't even know where to begin with the grammar issues going on here. Personally when I insult someone's power puff girls video on you tube, I try to sound as intelligent as possible.

I know, dear reader, you might be asking yourself why I would deem this little argument in cyber space worthy or writing a blog about. There was one clincher about this tête-à-tête that made me want to bring it to the attention of my reader(s?). When I clicked the link for SteamteamredubUK I discovered his hobby on youtube was uploading the show Thomas the Tank Engine.

I'll let this sink in and process for you....

That means a girl uploading power puff girls videos, and a guy uploading Thomas the Tank Engine video's just spent the past two months calling each other "Faggoty-ass pussys" (don't judge the spelling, it's a direct quote.) This is what anonymity does to people.

Pictured: Dumbass F**k's.

Maybe it's not a good idea after all.

Eastern girl.

lady in the bathroom

Dear lady in the bathroom next to me, 

When one goes into a private ladies rest room there is certain etiquette one must adhere to.  You broke quite a few of these rules on your trip to the fifth floor women's bathroom in Pray Harold today.  Around 11:45 I entered the bathroom, after my delightful computer class, to partake in an afternoon number one.  There are 4 stalls in this bathroom and I took the stall the second from the right, which was next to the handicapped bathroom.  I had barely started to relieve myself when another woman came stomping into the bathroom breathing heavily.  Here entrance was where she made her first mistake.  People are doing a very private thing in the bathroom, unless you are with a girlfriend and fixing your hair/makeup it is unnecessary and frowned upon to be so loud.  

Toilet selection is also an important part of bathroom manners.  In this case empty stalls will be represented with O's and occupied stalls will be represented with X's.  The handicapped stall will be an H.  This is what stall I was in...

O O X H

This is what stall the rude bathroom lady choose..

O X X H

In this situation she should have chosen 

X O X H

There was plenty of space in the bathroom, and one should always give at least one stalls length with applicable.  

I know these seem to be minor offenses, but the horror continues with the most important rule of all; Under NO circumstance is it ok to speak any words meant for your benefit only.  Let me explain myself.

I understand that sometimes a person has a bathroom emergency, I.E. we eat something that doesn't agree with us and must take a doosey of a twosie, which is to say explosive diarrhea.  We've all been there, even if we don't want to admit it, and thats ok, its good to keep those things to yourself.  The problem I have, bathroom lady, is that you felt it necessary to chant "oh god, oh god, oh god." over and over again as the demons flowed from your body.  Also the heavy breathing didn't help matters much.  I can hear that you're fighting a losing battle with your bowels quite clearly just by the toilet noise, and no one needs the verbal cues.  From now on keep them to yourself.

Needless to say I've never washed my hands faster, I needed to get out of there ASAP.  Now do you understand why I was mad about her choosing the adjacent stall to me?!?!

And now something completely unrelated...

nom nom nom...

Eastern girl

WTF

Today in my Computer Science 101 class I had an exam to take.  It was pretty straight forward, just click your answers like you would a facebook or myspace survey.  Still before we started it had to be explained to us by our teacher.  She somehow managed to drag out the explanation for 15 minutes as she clicked through a pre test we had taken just the day before.  All in all the test wasn't so bad but one of the questions was so odd that I went out of my way to memorize it.  The question went a little something like this...

True or false, human emotion can be easily transformed into numbers and stored in a computers memory.  

WTF?  It was one of the most bizarre true or false questions I have ever seen.  I guessed false, but really it could be argued a few different ways.  Can emotion be stored on a computer?  Well yeah, what do you call the stupid little "emoticons" that we are all guilty of using on a daily basis?  I mean "emot", I'm guessing is short for emotion.  Therefore I can easily store in this blog that I am feeling happy :) or frisky ;) or have boobs ( . )( . ).  Ok so I know having boobs isn't an emotion but isn't that sexy?  

Or was the question trying to ask us if computer could SHOW emotion?  As those of you who watch star trek know, they can't unless supplied with an emotion chip (duh).  Data from star trek is an android who doesn't show emotion through the most of his android life.  Until one of the movies that is when the emotion chip is implanted and then becomes fused onto his nural net.  (NEWS FLASH: I'm a loser).  Until that time he is simply an emotionless android. 

Notice: no emotions

So maybe in the future it's possible but as of right now?  This is your top of the line android...

So much for emoting.

In the end I did decide to answer false because I'm sure thats what the teacher is looking for, and I was probably over thinking things. 

In other news there's a cute guy sitting across from me, maybe I'll shoot him one of these ;) I wouldn't want him to think I'm a deranged android tho...

Eastern girl

back from hiatus

Hello dear reader(s?) I know I've been gone for a long time, but as it was time for a break I didn't feel I could properly rant about Eastern if I wasn't in any classes.  Since I'm taking spring classes this semester tho, you're in luck I'm back, but I have some bad news...

Something has happened to me that I may never recover from.  I had just gotten out of a very intense Interracial Communications class in which we watched "Rosewood", which was about a horrible massacre that occurred in Florida.  I was feeling quite down about the world in general, when suddenly it happened.  I was driving down cross street about to turn the the left side of the penis tower when a frisbee flew in front of my car.  I hit the breaks, since I didn't want to run over whatever frat boy or stoner was about to go chasing after it.  Then like a mythical sasquatch, the hottest guy I have ever seen in person walked in front of my car.  I was about 6'2'' tall, with the body of a Adonis, or for those of you not farmilier with Adonis, the body of Edward Cullen. 

He was wearing tiny blue shorts and his shaggy hair was held in place with the luckiest head band in the world.  Because of the vigor's of tossing the bee, he was sweaty and glistening.  I swear to god I almost crashed into a phone pole, which I can only assume I was drawn to because it was phallic.   I know I said this was a terrible ordeal, and the reason I say that is now every mere mortal man will seem hideous by comparison.  I think the only man hotter then him is Ryan Reynolds.  So picture this...

...Only different because I saw him with my eyes, and not on a screen.

In other news, I may have a hard time finding things wrong with this semester, all my teachers are surprisingly competent this time around.  I know that seems crazy, but since I was careful to check rate my professor before signing up, I might have actually pulled off the impossible.  

Eastern Girl.

Time Log

I know it's been a long time since I've updated, and to my 3 fans, I apologize profusely.  I understand that my rants and raves are enjoyable to you, and I will endeavor never to go so long without posting again.  For those of you who know me well, you know that the promise I just made is total crap, and chances are you're going to have to harass me again sometime in the future.  That being said, I'll continue with the blog.  

A few weeks ago, I went on a magical journey to a place called Garden City.  It's a quaint little metropolis filled with beautiful buildings, and very colorful locals.  I stopped in at the bank Blonde works in and did her a solid by opening up a couple (5, perhaps 6?) bank accounts.  I also met the only fan of this blog who started reading it before she knew me.  I was a little nervous to meet someone that actually went out of their way to read about little old me.  All in all tho, I think meeting my first real fan went pretty well.  I also had the fortune of getting to see the Tiffany's Necklaces the girls are given at the bank by their patrons.  I think Blonde made out like a bandit when she got a SOLID GOLD necklace that proudly said "1 in a million".  Now when people see the necklace there will be no question as to Blonde's rank in the world.  

Today in one of my classes, that I actually enjoy,  we were told about the idea of keeping a time long.  I figured it might be fun for me to do.  Time logs work like this on a normal day you keep track of what time it is "every time you change behaviors."  You then categorize these "behaviors" one of four ways.  1. Urgent and Important (meaning if you don't do it there will be consequences, and it has a time limit) 2.  Urgent not important (Time limit but not consequences if not accomplished) 3. Important but not Urgent (consequences, but no time limit 4. Neither important nor urgent (duh).  I have decided to keep a time log of today, and hopefully this will become a feature of my blog.  I'll do it once a week, on different days, and this way at least I have one post and I won't get in trouble with my 4 (oh yeah 4 now) fans.  

7:30 am - wake up and go to the bathroom.  Urgent and Important.  If I hadn't gone to the bathroom I would have wet the bed, and I had a very strict time limit before I did this.

7:33 am - Lay in bed trying to get back to sleep, I didn't actually have to get up until 8:30, however I couldn't stop thinking about the test I had that morning.  - Urgent but not important.  (There was a time limit on going back to sleep, however it wasn't all that important.)

7:35 am - Get out of bed with the intent to study for the test. - Urgent and Important

7:40 am- Realize I recorded last nights episode of Chelsea Lately.  Important, but not urgent.

7:41 am - Turn on the TV and watch Chelsea Lately.  Urgent and Important.  (I need to know what the bitch has to say about Dina Lohan!  Clearly study time can wait.)

8:10 am - Study for test.  Super Urgent and Super Important (considering I got distracted by Chelsea.)

8:30 am- get ready for school

9:30 am - go to school

9:50 am - Arrive at Eastern and look for a parking spot.  Urgent and Important

10:20 am - get to class super late because it takes half-a-fucking-hour to find parking.

10:50 am - class gets out

10:55 am - walking to my other class I note that all the girls at Eastern had indeed planned for another snow fall and not shoved their Ugg boots and leggings to far to the backs of their closets.  Urgent and Important (it's Fashion duh, it's always both!)

11:00 am - Take test.  Urgent and important.  (although I didn't go over my notes much this morning, prior studies assured I was pretty competent.  I think I only got 5 wrong)

noon- Depart class/arrive at library.  Neither Urgent or Important

12:01 - Check facebook and myspace.  Urgent and Important (I have to know what's going on with all my friends at every second!!

12:10 - check Perezhilton.com and Thesuperficial.com.  Urgent and Important (I need to keep up with all the celebs I stalk at every second!!!)

12:30 - Read a top something or other on cracked.com Important but not Urgent.  (I could have read it at anytime durning the day, but honestly why wait?)

12:35 - get to the end of the cracked article only to be sucked into another, and another, and another... (Neither Urgent or Important)

1:40 - Contemplate going to fmylife.com but decide to write a paper instead.  Urgent and Important (it's due at 5:30)

2:15 - Check facebook and myspace again, then pack up for class (urgent and important class starts in 15 minutes... at an off campus site.  

2:40 - walk into class late.  Neither Urgent or Important 

2:45 - Contemplate suicide as a I watch a group presentation about visiting Spain.  Urgent and Important (I really do enjoy my life so watching a crappy viral video of the looney toons bull charge with M.I.A. Paper Planes playing is a waste of said life.  It was supposed to be an add campaign, not a "show off the stuff you can do with your Mac" campaign.)

3:30 - run out of the classroom as fast as I can.  Urgent and Important (did you not read the description above?)

4:00 - arrive at work, as a favor to my boss I came in on my day off to get my review.  Urgent and Important (This is a MONETARY review, there is a possible quarter on the line people!!!!)

4:30 - rejoice that I get to keep my job, and I make a dollar more every *four* hours!  (important but not urgent)

4:45 - stop at McDonalds for a chicken salad.  Notice that when I'm in canton the pre-recorded voice that offers me a fancy coffee is a white woman's voice.  In ypsilanti, however, it is that voice of a black man asking me if I want anything of the dollar menu.  If I was black, I would certainly be offended.  

5:00 - get back to school and sit in my car listening to NPR.  Neither Urgent or Important, (but I do love that NPR)

5:45 - Arrive to class 15 minutes late.  This is actually planned.  My professor is a windbag and every week spends the first 15 minutes on "a thought for the day".  I'm pretty sure he goes to the quotable quotes section in readers digest and gets the most jesusy or racist one he can find, and runs with that.  Fortunately because of my impeccable timing, I don't have to waste that 15 minutes.  Important but not Urgent

5:46 - zone out.  Important and Urgent (I don't really want to hear any more about this guys ex wife)

8:00 - get out of class. Urgent and Important.  (I would like to take this time to note there was not change in my behavior from 5:46 to 8.  I remained zoned out the entire time)

8:02- ran into one of my favorite teachers from last semester.  We chatted for a while then she drove me to my car.  It took us about 15 minutes to find it, because of all the blow we were doing.  (that was a joke, as far as I know Eastern staff does not condone the use of narcotics)

8:45 - Arrive home.  Neither Urgent or Important 

9:00 - Check Facebook and myspace again.  Urgent and Important (sweet jesus has anyone updated their status since earlier?!?  I must know!!)

9:20 - Dick around on the internet for a while.  Neither Urgent or Important 

9:45 - recall the sadness in blonde's eyes that last time she asked me to update.  Urgent and Important (I love my friends)

9:50 - start the damn blogging....

What an exciting day, no wonder you guys missed me.  I don't know how I accomplish  so much.

Eastern Girl

Just a few announcements...

To the two guys with their stomachs hanging out the bottom of their t-shirts at school today:  Just because the shirt fit last year, doesn't mean it fits this year.  When you dig out your summer cloths please make sure they cover your ever growing winter belly.  

To the girl sitting outside of the library smoking clove cigarettes:  This is not an angsty teenage coffee house, we are grown ups now.  If you're going to smoke put out the incense stick and get some camels.  

To my teacher who canceled class without bothering to let us know until we walked into the room and saw the note on the board (causing me to sit in the library for 2 hours waiting for the start of class):  You're a dick.

This concludes my announcements.  

Eastern Girl

She's back!!

Hello Reader(s?)!!!!  I am back!

After fighting a tough battle with pneumonia, strep throat, bronchitis, and an inner ear infection I have come out on top!!!  I am the champion of my body!!!  I showed those bugs who's boss!!!  I have to go back to school!!... oh. FRICK.

In all honesty I really missed it.  It's not the going back to school that I'm not excited about.  I am actually really enjoying school for the first time, in a long time.  I think thats because I am finally taking classes I am interested in, and not just being forced to take a remedial computer class (we really should be allowed to test out of that.)  What I'm not excited about is having to play catch up on a weeks worth of missed crap!  Including two, count them two, exams, which I now get to take in essay form!!  YAY!!!

My first day back at Eastern in a week certainly didn't disappoint, my first two classes went off without a hitch, and both of the groups I worked in finally settled on topics for our big projects!!!  I even had an exam today that went quite well, the hardest part was labeling the countries.  In my intercultural communication class we are made to label a continents worth of countries every exam.  However for some reason on this test we were asked to take on more then the usual one.  I had Central and South America, and Europe.  Not an easy feat I know, but this author was able to spend her sick time playing children's country finder games!  They would ask me to locate Bolivia, and if I accidently hit Peru, a little owl yelled at me.  All in all I learned a lot, and was able to pick up quite a few points on that section.

I know it seems like I may have had a normal day, but Eastern always manages to throw a curve ball in there, even when you're not suspecting.  As I was getting out of AD class, actually I'm going to stop there before I relate this entire story.  I do have a little, tiny, itty bitty complaint about ad class.  I'm pretty sure my teacher read "Advertising for Dummies" picked up 8-10 slang words and just throws them into random sentences when she speaks to the class.  She's just banking on the fact that no one in her class reads the book, and she would be right, not because we don't care but because no one has any idea what chapter we are on.  But I digress, one of the best sentences she said today was this "All the people in Washington are here, and if we play our cards right we could get picked up by the network."  Right now you're thinking to yourself "Self, that sounds like a pretty smart sentence that was delivered by a savvy ad professor" but you, dear reader, have yet to hear the context.  She said that wonderfully crafted sentence right after she told us "We're having some special speakers in for Ethos week..." thats when she chimed in with the little gem about being picked up by the network.  Yeah, I have tried and tried but I still can't figure out what she's trying to say to us.  Eastern is going to get picked up by the network?  Which one?  Is it E!?  Because I would LOVE to meet Chelsea Handler.  Anyway, after the network sentence someone in the class asked if tattoos were considered advertising and this led to a debate in which I professor said "tramp stamp" at least 19 times.  Someone in the class room said it, and teach found in humorous, then she ran with it, tired it out, beat it, and set it on fire before she decided she had said "tramp stamp" enough.  

I know that wasn't the main part of the story but I get a little upset and off topic when I talk about my ad teacher.  The main portion of my story is just another one of those strange things that happen to me on a daily basis.  I was walking out of ad class with the girl who sits next to me, when I notice a very handsome gentleman walking from across the way.  He is gorgeous, tall, about 6' 1'' or 2''  with short dark hair.  His hair has the beginnings of a slight faux hawk, which, if you actually know this author, you know is a MELTING point for me.  He had a very rugged 5 o'clock shadow, a northface zip-up and some straight leg jeans, which in my fantasy world were diesels (not sure if thats what they were tho).  He looked like a combination the three sexiest men alive which are (in no particular order)

Very sexy Jakey-poo

Jordan Catalano 

(yes I know it's Jared Leto, but I just don't care.)

And last, but certainly not least, 

Reily Pool

(once again I know it's really Justin Bartha, but I just Love the snarky scientist in National Treasure)

So imagine you're me, and the three gentleman listed above really get your juices flowing.  You have accepted the fact that they are famous, and will never in real life encounter anyone so beautiful.  One day you're walking down a regular hall way, on a regular day, when you see him.  The gorgeous hybrid of your dream men.  If you're anything like me, you make brief eye contact, and hurry by knowing you will never truly love anyone, like you did this man, again.  It's what I would have done, and what any normal girl at Eastern would have done.  Of course in my crazy life things never work out how they should.  

I was daring and made eye contact, and YES! he looked too!! now it's time to hurry past and get on with my life as a mere mortal.  But wait, is he.. I think... oh god he's walking towards me, actually shifting his path towards mine.  There must be someone he knows behind me but GOD DON'T LOOK!!!!  If I look he'll think that I thought he was looking at me, and I was checking to see if he was or not!!  This is getting so hard what do I do?  What do I do?  He's getting closer to me now,  and his arms are opening like he wants to hung someone.  This is getting to weird I know this Adonis of a man doesn't want to hug me, but suddenly his arms are around me.  OH I get it now.  I've died, I'm dead, the pneumonia got me and I went to heaven (SCORE).  But the hug feels real, he feels real, all hard a chiseled.  I don't understand this?  Maybe it's hug a stranger day?  You'll imagine my surprise when the next words out of his mouth are "Hey EasternGirl (he actually said my name, but this author will never tell!) I haven't seen you in a while!!  How's life?  I miss you."  WHAT. THE. FUCK?  I don't know this guy.  I have NEVER met him.  I would REMEMBER if I know this guy.  He is literally my walking fantasy, and although we are apparently on a hugging basis, I have no idea who he is.  I stood there in awe of his beauty and made polite chatter with him for a few minutes. He said something about his classes being messed up and I responded, hopefully in English.  I can't be sure tho, because I was to busy wondering how he could possibly know so much about me,when I didn't remember him at all.  After a few minutes of conversation we went on our way, he gave me another hug (wtf? we're close enough to be double huggers?!?) and he walked off into the distance saying he hoped to see me again soon.  

I have NO GAME.  I know any normal girl would have taken advantage to being on double hug terms with one of the hottest guys they have ever seen.  I on the other hand, am a coward when it comes to men.  Especially hot ones.  I let him go on his way, because after all, if you love something you set it free, and if it never returns it wasn't love.  At least thats what I'll tell myself when I try to fall asleep after screwing up big time, with the man who is clearly my soul mate.

SIGH

Eastern Girl

it's been a long time.

I know it's been a while since the last update and I wish I had some witty story or even to tell you about.  I am sick, I have been sick, and I think I will be sick for another few days.  Everything from bronchitis, pneumonia, and food poisoning/stomach flu.  It hasn't been pretty, but to be fair I lost ten pounds with that stomach flu!

Last week was ok to be sick because I still had sick time for work, and it was spring break.  I sat around watching the first season of Six feet under, which I am now obsessed with (my sister got it for me for my birthday so hopefully it will be here soon!!).  Other then that I've been eating, sleeping, throwing up, and just having a good old time.  That was until bronchitis came a long.  Do you know what it feels like to barf when you have bronchitis?  Well if you don't it feels like rubbing acid covered sand paper all over your already hurting throat.  I figured my throat was just sore from the barfing and took myself back to work, and went out with my friends for my birthday.  

My birthday was a great time, despite the sore throat I was still able to knock back the drinks that people in the bar kept buying me.  I work at said bar on the weekends and they were more then happy to send shots over.  I was given some wonderful gifts by my closest friends, 80's boobs got me a DVD, some stuff from lush, and a poster of my favorite man from Twilight, Jacob (because he has a personality people) Blonde got my fav, headbands, and Mex, got me a pack of gum, which I refused to pay him back for, explaining to him it was my birthday present.  All in all it was a pretty good haul.  The folks got me some nice stuff too.

Flash forward to monday, throat is still pretty sore, but I go to school all day and get my learning on.  By the time I got home I was noticeably colder then I usually am.  This can mean only one thing.  I have a fever, ugh.  To make a long story short it got up to about 103.5 when seeing a doctor became imperative, but I already knew what was going on.  Fucking pneumonia AGAIN!!  That pretty much brings us to here actually, I didn't really have anything to exciting to post about but Blonde was getting upset, and seeing as she's my fan, I pretty much have to do what she says.  

SIGH

My new celebrity crush has already disappointed me.  Thats right folks Andy Samberg is dating Joanna Newsom.  

This is Andy bringing sexy back...

The funniest guy on SNL is dating a girl who screeches out ballads along side a harpsichord with the voice of a 13-year-old woodland creature who's testicles have yet to descend... Don't believe me? 

Seriously tho, is she Deaf?  Or slow witted when it comes to real life, but still a harp prodigy?  Like a harp rain man perhaps?  

Either way it looks like I'm going back to my original funny man crush, because I will never look at Andy Samberg the same again.  You know with his group "The Lonely Island" producing the side splitting hilarity they usually do, I just can't imagine him being able to take that screeching banshee seriously.  

In the long run I guess it gives us all hope, I mean even half elf/human/woodland creatures can find someone awesome.  

Until Andy proves himself worthy of my adoration again I'm switching back to my other favorite funny man...

not always a complaint...

Even though I usually complain about Eastern there is the occasional awesome professor. I've had 3 that I can think of, and am luck enough to have two classes with one of them this year. He has his PhD and remains down to earth, funny, and in general a really cool guy to listen to.  He makes lecture fun by relating his life, in humorous ways to everything we are learning.  Today in class we did an activity where we had to decide which car the group wanted to drive.  He walked around adding to every groups discussion every now and then and helping us relate what we were learning to the situation at hand.  He also said one of the funniest things I've heard a professor say in a long time.  During his wrap up of the activity he said the word  "ain't" one of the students corrected him, and he turned to her and said "don't worry, I can say ain't I have a PhD."  It may have been one of those had to be there moments, but we all started laughing, some of us to the point of almost being in tears.  

I am not always in work or school, and when I'm not at one of these two places I can usually be found at rendezvous cafe getting my study on.  On the way back to my car after an intense study session with Mex, (my BFF's alias) I found myself in a very interesting situation.  I was in a parking garage in Ann Arbor getting into my car when 3 black gentleman approached me.  Since I have been conditioned to be terrified of strange men, especially in groups, (and lets face it especially black men)  I immediately wondered how PC of me it would be to scream rape, throw my bag at them, and run as fast as I could.  Instead I opted to stand still and kept telling myself "don't act scared" as if a group of gang rapists would not assault me if I didn't look terrified.  One of the guys asked me very pleasantly if I had jumper cables because their car (a very foreboding saturn across the lot) was out of juice.  Wondering if it was a trick I remained cautious as I told them I didn't have any cables but if they wanted to hold on I could look.  I got into my car as I pretended to fish through my car (which if you know me, is a HOT MESS) and as I'm rummaging through the trash I come across my DVD copy of "Crash".  I sit there and think things over for a second, and realize I am the biggest fucking hypocrite on the planet.  Here I am terrified of three guys who just wanted to jump their car.  I am an ass hole, to the extreme.  I know it's ok to cautious but these guys were really just trying to get their car working, and in all my terror I totally bypassed the fact that there were police officers about 50 yards from me keeping an eye on things in the structure.  I felt so bad for being terrified that I became overly helpful, I didn't have any jumper cables, but I went so far as to offer calling triple A for them.  As I was driving away full of shame, I even contemplated buying jumper cables and going back to help.  

In other news my life has been uneventful for the past few days, I haven't gone into any blind rage over Eastern, besides a little drama at work (I work in retail, it comes with the territory) my life has been pretty boring.  Although since I am about to go to Ad class, with my super self important professor, I'm sure I'll be back on sometime today to rant and rave about some atrocity from the class.

Hope this satisfies you Blonde,

Eastern Girl

ps.  There are two guys in the back of the coney island playing Magic, the gathering and offending my nose every time I go back to use the bathroom.  Apparently they've been to busy playing Magic to bother with a shower.  I guess thats the life of a +3 wizard...

exams exams exams...

Most of us who attend Eastern have jobs as well.  Lets face it, it's not really a school that people see as a priority like UofM or UofM Dearborn.  Besides that fact that it has five colleges (surprising I know) it's basically a glorified community college.  I'm not saying it's as easy as community college, it's just that everyone commutes, and almost no one makes it their first priority (although if you find someone that does try to do group work with them).  This is why I find myself deprived of sleep almost all the time.  

Like quite a few of my fellow students I don't have one job, but multiple jobs in and around the greater metro-detroit area.  And since you can't really call off due to Exams, the all nighter is an excellent way to cram as much crap/knowledge into your brain as you possibly can.  I was up until 5 in the morning trying to learn 7 chapters in a book, my prof never actually taught us (see first entry, Hollywood is more important).  This study session carried over into the 2.5 hours of break I have between my classes.  

I like to do most of my studying at the Coney Island near campus.  It is the best kept secret for people that smoke, since you can go in, order coffee and chain smoke as you desperately try to learn the material.  I myself quite smoking a few months back, but still go to the cafe, out of habit, and because I like to test my will power by surrounding myself with delicious cigarettes.   It's like lung cancer Russian roulette, will this be the day I fall off the wagon?  Turns out it wasn't I barely had time to sift through the power point presentations and enjoy my grilled cheese sandwich, let alone kill myself slowly with delicious poison (it also makes you look cool, and all the kids are doing it...)  It's really quite a lovely restaurant when you get passed the fact that I'm pretty sure it would be closed immediately if it were to be inspected.  Dirt and grim aside, the woman who always seems to be working makes the best damn grilled cheese sandwich in the area (it has three pieces of bread people!!).  The most disruptive thing I ran across was the way my email account was blowing up as I tried to quickly learn everything there was to know about advertising.  You see, my phone is set up to receive my e-mails as well, and it kept going off with 11, count them 11 emails from people in my class desperately wondering what the hell the test was about.  I responded to a few choice people letting them know that, in the syllabus it claims to be regarding the first seven chapters, but to be fair we can't really be sure.

Eventually, with only a few stops at myspace and facebook, I pack up my things and head to the test (I only had to leave a half hour prior because I'm going to the COB and they have a glorious parking structure that for some sane reason is located right next to the building, who knew it could be that easy?)  Luckily I arrived early enough to stop off at the bathroom, which I desperately needed to visit.  I failed to mention above that during my 2.5 hour study session I managed to suck down 8 cups of coffee, at one point the waitress/cook/dishwasher/any other restaurant occupation you can think of told me I could just get my own refills if she was busy.  Some might find this crass, but I was glad to no longer be bugging her every 5 minutes when my coffee ran out.  I hope the other patrons weren't offended by the fact that I was running into the kitchen every few minutes to get more coffee.  I walk into the test having just emptied my bladder (I already have to pee again) still feeling tired, but with a wonderful case of the jitters to keep me awake.  

The exam didn't turn out to be to hard (that I know of I guess) but the best part was the last question asking us to list any extra credit we may have done during the first few weeks of class.  We've been given opportunities for extra credit, but apparently she hasn't been keeping track of it, and all the points are on the honor system.  

I managed to make it home without falling asleep, walk in the door and make it to the kitchen table, where I had the foresight to lay out my pajamas so I could put them on the second I walked in the door.  I'm getting ready to take a much deserved nap when the doorbell rings, a package for my parent that works at Eastern has arrived. I don't want said parent to get in trouble so from now one I will be referring to them as "Parent".  Parent has been waiting for this package for a while so I decide to be a nice kid and call the school to inform them.  I dial the number and am connected to someone working in parents office.  I ask for parent and she informs me that no one by parents name works there.  I assure her that my parent has been working there for years and if she just stood up and yelled their name, they would come to the phone, because they work in the office across the way.  She proceeds to explain that she has been working there for quite some time, and has no idea who I am talking about when I say my parents name again.  We all have cell phones, which we store numbers in, and I can assure you that the number under "parent work" has not changed since they started working at Eastern.  I try to explain this to the girl on the phone and she gives me another phone number to call where my parent (who she has suddenly heard of) will allegedly  be.  I explain to her, she doesn't know what she's talking about, and to just patch me through to her boss.  She then clearly says "alright I will patch you through to "Parent Name".  Are you kidding me?!?!  I said parent name clearly at least six times to this woman, and she didn't ever put two and two together that her boss and parent name (who strange enough have THE SAME NAME) are the same person?  

I thought I had almost made it through an entire day without being disappointed with Eastern, alas it wasn't to be.  I'm almost done with this entry, and my dad has just invited me to join he and my mother at the sidetrack for dinner.  FUCK I was hoping to curl up on the couch and get some sleep, but since a poor college student can't pass up free food, it looks like I'm going to have to tough it out.  9th cup of coffee, here I come...

Eastern Girl

The first post

I am a student at Eastern Michigan University.  A few weeks ago at the beginning of term I was asked to write an essay on the topic "What it means to be a university student".  I of course bullshitted my way through the entire thing.  Lets face it, at this school standards aren't exactly high as long as you punctuate and make a half assed attempt at spelling you're going to get a B at least.  

I ended up getting a 50/50 (it turns out my "professor" actually only grades punctuation and spelling, so every time you fuck that up you lose a point, apparently I'm sweet at these things, or at least my spell check is.)  However the real damage had been done.  I actually started thinking about what it meant to be a student at Eastern, and it's not pretty.  I decided to start blogging about it, because thats what disgruntled people in this century do.  I decided the ridiculousness of this school needed to be documented.  

Monday:  My first class is at 10 am in Pray, which means I have to leave my house in canton at 7 in the morning so I can spend the next three hours looking for a parking spot.  The parking situation can be summed by one of the most amazing bumper stickers I have ever seen "Eastern Michigan University: If you see my professor, tell him I'm looking for a parking spot."  As a commuter most pay around 70$ to get a parking pass that grants you the ability to park at a school that didn't have the foresight to add any parking spaces.  I'm not your average student, I have managed to get my hands on a staff parking pass which, trust me, isn't any better.  As a matter of fact there are many parking lots I CAN'T park in.

My first two classes actually go well because I have a competent prof (We usually get one that's competent, and I happen to have the same prof twice in a row) however my next class is taught by one of the best kids of stereotypical professors you can get.  We all know the one, it's the prof who doesn't actually teach you anything about the class.  They are just so self important that they think you will learn more from them talking about their personal lives then from the book.  So far in this class I have learned four things: 1. My prof was at the premiere of the English release of MadMen, where she was the guest of honor (because ENGLAND usually gets its super sexy premier worthy guests from Eastern)  2.  She has spent quite a bit of time researching ANYTHING that could possibly make living/teaching at Eastern more exciting (the best thing she's found thus far is apparently Ypsi used to sell a lot of underwear) 3. Last week she was globe-trekking in Australia, because she's so important a "big firm from Hollywood (in Australia?!)" had to send her there (even though I'm pretty sure I saw her at Meijer at one in the morning filling her cart with romance novels).  4.  She's obsessed with name dropping, except the only name she drops is the word "Hollywood". 

After Adv. Prof talked about the latest things in Hollywood for the first half an hour of class she decided to do an activity.  In this activity she would break us into the four main areas where people hear advertisement.  So she had all the kids who watched Reality TV that weekend stand in one corner.  The other corner had people that watched sports, next to them were people that read a book.  Those of us who happened to turn on the radio that weekend went to the back corner.  Now I'm no professor at Eastern, but I'm fairly sure I can say with confidence that the four main outlets for advertisement are not "Reality TV, Radio, Sports, and Books".  As a matter of fact, I'm hard pressed to remember the last time I found an advertisement in a book.  We were supposed to discuss all the adds we had noticed over the weekend and wether or not they worked.  I know my group, mostly talked about how stupid our teacher is, and how ill prepared we are for the upcoming test on wednesday since she has yet to teach us anything that actually deals with the book (which cost me 188 dollars, just saying).  I can only imagine what rigorous conversation the people who found advertising in books were talking about...

After about half an hour of this we had to sit back down, and listen to her talk about add club for the rest of the period.  Thank god I sit next to someone who thinks I'm funny, getting her to laugh at inappropriate times is the only thing that keeps me entertained.  We're not allowed to have lop tops in the class, I'm sure the reason for that is Adv. Prof can't stand the idea of someone not listening to her talk about Hollywood, and is instead, I don't know, watching porn on their computer.  which is at least 65% more educational then the garbage that comes out of her mouth.  Class ends, and everyone leaves after losing an hour and a half of our lives we will never get back.  

I had an hour break between classes and hopped in my car to go from the COB back to Pray.  I thought about making a sacrifice to the parking god (who is a vengeful god indeed) so I would be able to find a spot, reasonably close, to Pray so I wouldn't have to walk very far across are oh-so-safe campus once it got dark out.  Luckily I was able to drain the blood of a goat as an offering on my way and found a spot in a staff lot that I snuck into, I had already given 3 dollars to the paid lots today, and damn it I wasn't going to again.  

I was pleasantly surprised when I noticed an old Prof of mine (who I actually liked and found competent) parking next to me.  I rolled down my window and we exchanged pleasantries and she asked me what class I was going to.  I told her, and she immediately began laughing.  You see the prof that I'm currently talking with knows my characteristics and my sense of humor, so she immediately understood that I hated the Prof of my next class.  He's about 100 years old, and teaches a class on intercultural communications.  I've been in the class for 4 weeks now and the only cultural differences he has taught us are these; 1.  Mexicans are late to meetings sometimes because thats just how things are in Mexico.  2.  Black people have Mac and Cheese at Thanksgiving, because most of them are to poor to afford real food.  Yes this is actually something a professor at Eastern Michigan said to my class room, don't worry though, he assured us that it wasn't racially insensitive because he didn't say it about ONE person, instead generalized the entire group.  Yeah I didn't follow that logic either. 

My nice prof that I ran into wished me good luck with the class and we both headed inside.  

In my last class of the day we are getting back our first exam.  To back things up a step or two, this is one of the most insane exams I have ever taken.  One of the questions was "Name three things you've thought about in this class."  (I was incredibly attempted to write 1. Going out for a drink after.  2.  porn.  3.  What the hell that girl across the room was thinking when she got up this morning and put a scrunchie in her hair.)  I got back my exam and was incredibly startled to find he had given me a 47 out of 100.  47% isn't exactly passing.  However fortunately for my grades and I, this Prof is an idiot.  I looked at the points I was awarded and realized something quite didn't add up, and that wasn't supposed to be a pun, the numbers didn't actually add up.  Apparently he wasn't taught about the whole addition thing.  After my re-calculation  he had actually awarded me 58 points, which still isn't passing, but I'm getting closer.  It also turned out that one of the questions he asked us, worth ten points, was about an activity that the class actually didn't do.  One brave sole in the classroom raised her hand to point it out, and everyone else quickly agreed, that no, we didn't ever do the activity he was talking about.  As a matter of fact none of us had ever heard of it.  I got another 10 points out of that one, which brings my total to 68.  I've passed!!!  However I see that there is more opportunity on the horizon to get extra points.  Two of my questions, that I clearly answered right, he has awarded me no points for.  In once case actually crossing out 10 and writing a zero in it's place.  After a conversation with him during his office hours, I am happy to say I eventually got an 85 on the test.  Thats right, 47 to 85.  I can understand a professor messing up a few points but 37 of them?

It was during the chance meeting with my old professor that I decided to write this blog.  She told me that she had always found me to be a great writer, especially enjoying my whit and humor.  I figured why not a blog?  Maybe another Eastern Student will even read it someday, and I can find out if everyone else finds the school as ridiculous as I do?  I know what some must be thinking, if I hate it so much why do I still go here?  That is an easy question for me to answer.  A parent of mine works on campus thus I get half off tuition.  This is the ONE and ONLY reason I attend this school, please don't hold it against me.

Eastern Girl.